A couple weeks ago, I mentioned to a friend that I’d spent the previous weekend alone at a cabin doing some writing and recording.

He stared at me and said “how did you sell your wife on THAT?”

I was surprised for a moment… and then reminded that this kind of freedom within marriage is the exception in our culture.

Most of us have been brainwashed into believing that a “good marriage” is one in which husband and wife spend every waking moment together…

…that the more shared friendships, shared interests, and shared activities the better… read more

There’s this phrase (and book) floating around: “sex begins in the kitchen.”

…The idea being that husbands can experience higher quantity and quality of sex by actively creating more intimacy in the marriage (with “help around the house” being one of several ways of doing that).

And while I agree with the emphasis on building intimacy (what I call “creating the conditions”), I strongly disagree with the unfortunate kitchen metaphor, because doing feminine chores in hopes it will lead to more and better sex is a fundamentally flawed approach. read more

Question:

What if all the so-called “fucked up” aspects of your personality are indication NOT of a deficient character but of deficient SELF-UNDERSTANDING?

In other words… what if you’re wrong about yourself?

A few weeks ago, I caught myself brooding on something, as usual, and suddenly wondered “why am I so DISSATISFIED all the time? What’s my problem?”

But then, a moment later, another thought: “these goals I’ve set for myself… this life I’m working to build… what kind of man would I have to be to achieve them? NOT a contented, peaceful one. I would have to be driven and restless. Just as I am!” read more

When you were a boy, you dreamed of the day you would be king.

Of the day you would marry, have children, own lands… of the day you would be loved, feared, venerated.

You saw the way of the king, and you knew in your belly that this was your call: to live a life of benevolent power.

But somewhere along the way, the dream was corrupted.

For we saw that kings can be craven.

We saw that kings can be cruel.

And when the queens of the land bristled in unison… men, seeking to appease them, broke the scepter over their own knees. read more

You come back from the mountain or the silent retreat or the conference:

You are a CHANGED man.

You see it all so clearly: how things were, and how they now will be.

Everything you do is infused with the shock of your new power: the way you brush your teeth, the way you put on your pants, the way you lift the lid of the frying pan.

You are now, finally, in the light.

You think back, shaking your head in amusement at the old stupors. Ah, to finally be free of all that, for your course to be gathered and clear, for your life to be one pure line of action. read more

You’ve been told your entire life that you are vile, perverted, dirty, foul, sick because you are a man.

And so, after the first shock in boyhood, you began what has become an endless project of masculine suppression:

Of measured words, softened voice, double-checks, preemptive apology, self doubt.

Well fuck that.

Because those who incriminated you, the ones who made you guilty by gender… who taught you to abhor yourself, to mistrust your core… who treated you like a broken animal in need of constant watch… who made you feel like you were at all times just one misstep away from exile… read more

This summer my oldest boy discovered the joys of river rope swings.

The first time he tried it, he fell off into the river at the nadir, when the force is strongest.

The next few tries bore the same result.

Then I told him to grip the rope higher and tighter… that if he could hang on through the bottom of the arch, he’d be able to swing back up and drop off at the top.

Sure enough, on the next swing he held on for dear life through the bottom and earned himself a nice drop down into the river. read more

Here’s the old formula for success:

The one they’ve drilled into your head since you were a boy:

The one that has millions of men scraping themselves out a little more each day, gasping for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow:

work hard -> make money -> get happy

This formula… it bolts so well onto the masculine: feeds our need for epic delay, for long-suffering.

Problem is, the formula is broken.

Most likely in all worlds and all times… but especially in ours.

We live in a super-connected age. read more

You friend.

You tweet.

You connect.

You’re digging your well, growing your network.

Because someday—someday soon—you’re gonna build something special.

And when you do, you wanna make damn sure you have an audience to share it with.

But here’s the thing: that problem was solved for you a long time ago.

The internet is one great big distribution machine, and the machine is IDLE.

Every day millions of people spent billions of hours greasing and priming this machine, trying to add to its already gargantuan capacity, when it’s not distribution but SHIT WORTH DISTRIBUTING that is in short supply. read more

“Bryan, love your writing. Can I interview you on my podcast?”

“Bryan, really digging your shit. Want to come speak at my event?”

As Third Way Man grows, I’m starting to get more and more of these requests.

And while the validation is nice, I’ve more or less viewed them as distractions.

Hence my typical response:

“Thanks for the offer, but I am 100% focused on the small handful of activities I need to do to drive the business forward. Interviewing / speaking isn’t on that list, so ‘no’ for now.” read more