Create The Queen

You stood at the altar, utterly convinced.

Your friends had warned you: told you that you were about to exchange your bachelor freedom for sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and the ceaseless braying of children.

You saw the burdens of family life before you, and you felt happy–even eager–to shoulder the harness.

For this woman in white before you… this beautiful, adoring bride… she fired you as no one ever had before.

With HER by your side… with her love, adoration and BELIEF shoring you up, what could you NOT do? What burdens could you NOT withstand?

Her love had created a stage on which all that was good and strong and noble in you played out effortlessly… and you married her in part to go on feeling this fire her love lit within you.

But then, as the blunt force trauma of parenthood fell full upon you, grinding on for weeks, months, years… you felt a troubling ebb.

This well-spring of inspiration, this queen-inspired fire… it began to fade.

The cooling continued, faster and faster, until at last you looked to your wife with anger: where were the tears of love and adoration and belief she once gave you? Where was that lifeblood you had counted on?

But the problem is not with your woman.

It is with your belief that your inspiration and action is somehow her responsibility.

When you place the burden of your inspiration on your wife, you give her a power she is neither willing nor fit to wield.

You should never have made her the keeper of your flame.

You should never have expected the queen to make the king.

So stop expecting your wife to inspire you.

Stop looking for outside coronation.

Be the king who creates the queen.

Gaze into her eyes.

Listen when she speaks, with both ears, and with both eyes.

Kiss deeper, hold longer.

Lavish gifts, jewels, clothing, words of affection.

Create a current of love and vision and reckless giving that sweeps her up and carries her along, rapt.

Whether or not she returns that love does not matter.

It is the act of loving her that fires you, not its reciprocation.

Any love or adoration she returns is immaterial: the essential magic has already happened inside you. The fire has already been lit.

“Why would I kiss that mouth?” you say. “Why would I gaze into those cold, bitter eyes? How could I treat as queen this woman who sneers and scorns so unbearably?”

And that, there, is the double-bind that has been holding your marriage, your very kingship, captive:

This love, this respect, this adoration you long for her to give you… it is not hers to give but for YOU TO CREATE in her.

Mold her into her best, highest self. Not with silence or criticism or ultimatums, but with acts of imagination and love.

No matter how deep your disillusionment, it is the only way: you must create the queen.

For one holy day, suspend your grief and despair and anger and LOVE HER as though today is the last day of her life.

Only then will you have the queen you’ve been longing for.

Only then will you know the old heat.

Do not look to her:

It is YOU who must relight the forges.

It is YOU who must finally decide he is king.


  1. Truth be told….

  2. I haven’t even gotten to the LIT black paper yet. ! I watched the video last night with my Queen and I have already changed or schedule and added microcommitments to bond while we do productive tasks to build a home based business, so that she can stay home as a stay at home, Mother, which is her wish. I have been searching for the creativity to integrate our desires and needs into one cohesive schedule with the down time being repurposed for investment in ourselves so that we can have financial freedom and free ourselves to raise our child, Lloyd Fawkes, who will be here by the summer.

  3. Please consider “provide and protect” ideas. A Queen does those things without a King. I do not look for adoration or desire from my children and friends. If I haven’t the provisions and security for myself and children I need to get it myself. I won’t have time for the person who is watching my tv so much.

  4. I chanced upon your website and know I am not your intended demographic. Keep up the good work. Please know that even those unworthy of reproduction may be a hero through works to their family and the world. A man doesn’t have to be a father or husband of a woman to “provide and protect”.

  5. Thank you for speaking these truths.
    I am the KING of my own kingdom.
    I have created my QUEEN and I will continue to make myself and her stronger through my positive support and guidance of myself and MY Queen.
    Fine Sunday morning to all.

  6. Wow, I have to say you’re words have pierced through me like a sword! Not many things challenge my thinking anymore and give me a paradigm shift like yours just have. I will be married 40 years soon and after a lifetime of reading , watching, and listening alot of great resources , I have felt like I earned that love and adoration from my queen. That I deserve it!
    I look around at most men that seem hollow and living that life of quiet desperation including me and wonder how can it be this way??
    I believe so many men need to hear these words and take corrective action vs. living a life of mediocrity. I have a great family but I want more and I thank you for rekindling a fire in me so I can finish strong and not accept the status quo.
    They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I have not heard what you say anywhere else and was so tired of fighting the noble fight in isolation!
    Your words about children are spot on also. I have 7 grandkids and am teaching them to not be afraid to fail in life…
    I was excited to get up today and read more of your posts after finding you yesterday..
    I am recommitted to recreating my Queen


  1. You As King says:

    […] That woman there, by your side… she is your queen: as radiant or diminished as you’ve chosen to make her; […]

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