Let me guess: you strive to be a “supportive husband.”
You listen.
You champion.
You long-suffer.
You pick your battles VERY carefully, convinced that every kind action is a “deposit” in her emotional bank account, and every argument a “withdrawal.”
I call this the position of over-solidarity.
In other words, a position of peace at any cost with your wife.
Two bad things happen when you adopt the position of over-solidarity:
1. You grow shitty.
A husband’s calling is not to appease his woman. It’s to love her (and she him) into a higher plane of existence.
You do that by living the real you, unblunted and unshrunken.
When the real you is self-gagged and buried, it goes underground to fester and rot until the real you breaks out in a shit-geyser of mayhem, heartbreak and regret.
2. She grows bored.
Your woman doesn’t need a “yes” man, even if that’s what the radical feminist script says.
She wants to be taken out of herself, rebuffed, challenged, teased, refined, inspired, dismayed. Whether she knows it or not.
Yes, you are married, but you are NOT one:
You are two people creating one shared life, and your marriage, your kids, and all the people you and your woman jointly serve need the REAL YOU and the REAL HER, warts and fucking all.
Your position of over-solidarity is selfish. It’s a faustian bargain. In exchange for brittle peace, you abandon the high calling of love by friction.
Over-solidarity has nothing to do with “being supportive” and everything to do with wussing out.
So wipe the fake smile off your face and get to work:
Call her on her shit.
Tease her when she does that thing.
Raise your voice.
Tell her the truth.
Not in anger, not with a scowl, but with a smirk and a wink:
Your LOVE FOR HER is never in question.
And now, to her delight, neither are your balls.
Wow! My wife and I almost got a divorce after 12 years of marriage. This article explains exactly one of her biggest issues with me. I love her.. I don’t want to upset her, or hurt her feelings… but she WANTS to be called out on her shit! She wants a man that will take control, and help her grow, not someone who let’s her do as she wants, and always says yes.
Thank You! The last 10 years of our 20 year relationship has bin a financial wreck as a self-employed struggling Man. Because of guilt, putting up with more than I would like to admit to even a stranger not alone a friend our family member. Those words helped more than you can ever imagine.
So true! But remember….don’t think you’ve got balls when you don’t bring home the bacon; pay attention to your children’s grades and hygiene; and put the car insurance car IN her glove box with the registrations and safety check. Otherwise just be a friend forget about being adored, just recognize friendship. It is OK too!