Your wife is visibly seething.
You’re trying to contain himself.
It’s dinner time, but no one’s thinking about the food anymore.
Clearly, trouble is brewing.
And then, there’s that final look or muttered word or jutting chin that breaks the camel’s back…
…and IT’S ON.
You and your wife are severely displeased with each other and at each other’s throats (figuratively, we hope).
Of that, there is no question.
The only question that remains is… NOW WHAT?
Do you dish it out right there at the table, for all the wide-eyed kids to see?
Or, do you muster all last scraps of self-control and decorum, compose strained smiles, and excuse yourselves to “take it upstairs”… to continue the fight behind closed doors “for the kids sake?”
…
My firm belief is that your kids are best served when you do NOT “take it upstairs.”
I’ve got two damn good reasons:
1. Private fighting communicates that your kids “can’t handle” the sight of conflict, which weakens self esteem
2. Private fighting robs your kids of the opportunity to learn how to resolve conflict
Look, you know as well as me, husbands and wives fight.
My wife and I fight, you and your wife fight.
Your kids are going to grow up, get married, and fight with their spouses, too.
Taking your conflicts upstairs and out of sight is selfish and short sighted. It eases your discomfort at the expense of your children’s well-being and the well-being of their future spouses.
PLAY THE LONG GAME: fight it out right there at the dinner table, start to finish, for all to see.
Not to traumatize your kids…. but to NORMALIZE healthy conflict and to MODEL conflict resolution.
Your kids know how to pick a fight… everyone knows that because it’s easy.
What’s lesser understood is how to effectively end one.
And they’ll never learn it unless you show them how.
This is new to me! I thought it wise to take it upstairs never considering the kids. My parents never fought in front of us kids. We all had quick tempers though………just hold it all in until you blow up!