3 Ways Men Obliviously Hoard (And Suffer)

Spring is near.

Time to get rid of as much house-cluttering shit as possible.

Now, of course, most people feel good after having purged said shit.

But the typical way they go about it is torturous.

It’s as though they devise a “glut gauntlet”… then force themselves to run through it, subjecting themselves to all manner of self-inflicted bruises and battering.

This glut gauntlet has three deadly chambers, each of them wholly capable of bringing the well-intended purge process to a swift, bloody halt:

Chamber 1: The Caring Share

In this first chamber, the would-be purger holds up the item in question and says:

“I don’t need this anymore… but maybe so and so does! I’ll set this aside to check with them before I throw it out!”

Then the item goes into a “check with so and so first” pile… and sits there for days, weeks, or months, or gets reabsorbed. Especially if you don’t see “so and so” so often.

Would-be purger 0, glut gauntlet 1.

Would-be purgers who make it past this first chamber unscathed proceed to the next:

Chamber 2: The Craigslist Ca-Ching

In this second chamber, the would-be purger holds up the item in question and says:

“I don’t know of anyone who would want this… but I could probably make $20 bucks selling it on Craigslist!”

Then the item goes into a “sell on Craigslist” pile… and sits there for days, weeks, or months, or gets reabsorbed, because you never got around to taking the photos, uploading them, and writing the ad.

Another would-be purger, bloodied and mewling beneath the gears.

Would-be purgers who make it past this second chamber with pants unsoiled and organs intact then proceed to the next:

Chamber 3: The Thoughtful Donation

In this third and final chamber, the would-be purger holds up the item in question and says:

“I don’t think this is worth selling on Craigslist… but I could donate it!”

Then the item goes into a “take to goodwill” pile… and sits there for days, weeks, or months, or gets reabsorbed, because you keep forgetting to take it to the car, or because you’re “still adding to the pile.”

So close, but alas.

Would-be purgers who miraculously make it past this third and final chamber then, finally, exit the stink and smoke of the glut gauntlet and come into their reward:

The blessed garbage can.

With a grateful yet weary flick of the wrist, the deed is done.

…

It shouldn’t be this HARD to get shit out of your life.

I have no problem with “re-gifting” old goods.

I have no problem with repurposing, recycling, or donating to charity.

If you aren’t up to your eyeballs in glutty hoardy nests of shit… that stuff’s all fine. Good for you.

But far too many people are drowning in it.

Their houses are full of broken toys and depressing mementos and a thousand other emotional black holes that eat their light.

In other words, that glut of stuff in your house is sucking the life right out of you. It may not be a medical emergency, but it absolutely is a material emergency.

When someone has a tumor growing in their belly, you don’t put conditions on its excision.

You don’t say you prefer the two inch scalpel to the four inch, or that you would rather schedule the surgery for July rather than June because of pre-existing vacation plans.

You get that nasty little lump of disease out of you as quickly and decisively as humanly possible.

If there are objects in your house that fail to serve you, that bog you down instead of aiding and lightening your life, make it as simple and mentally untaxing as possible to get that shit out the door and out of your life.

Don’t make the scalpel jump through hoops.

Unless you KNOW your friend needs and wants said item, and receiving it from you would be a true and welcome gift… throw it in the can.

Unless you’re confident you can get $50+ in 24 hours fire-sale-ing said item on Craigslist… throw it in the can.

Unless you know said item has enough value to actually SELL on the thrift store’s shelves and not just end up in their dumpster… throw it in the can.

Uncomplicate your shit excision.

Let the river flow.